Starting Over

I'm 32 years old, and I feel fat. I know I'm not, but I feel it. For 20 years, I've wanted to be a certain weight and have something resembling abs. It's just that I'm very uncomfortable with how I feel. I've tried diet pills. I've tried Dr. Oz's so-called suggestions. I've tried not eating. The pills don't work, Dr. Oz's ways are weird, not eating only leads to feeling weak, and I eventually begin binging. The longest I didn't eat was a week. It's been tried many times. I didn't exercise, just drank water and ate nothing. How can anorexics do it? I never could figure it out. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't make myself throw up (not that I haven't tried many times!) because then I'd definitely be bulimic. Maybe that and anorexic.

It's no fun feeling fat and plump. Not when you envision yourself a certain way. I do enjoy working out--when I do it. It's addicting, it becomes habit, and I feel satisfied after it's over. The problem is that it either (depending on the workout, can be both) a) hard to get into and b) I don't see results. Maybe I set the goal too high. If I miss two days, then the good habit is over.

I know what works for me. I don't want to do pills, I don't want to not eat. I started seeing results on the 21-Day Fix eating plan and Autumn Calabrese's workouts. But then I moved back home and what I knew would happen, happened: I fell off the wagon. Big time. Popcorn, Hot Fudge Sundays and/or milkshakes every single day. Oreos. Potato chips. These are things I would not allow in my apartment because I knew my will power was weak. Weak isn't even a strong enough word. Possibly non-existence is more the color. And I can't keep others from eating what they like even if I wanted to.

So, how can I do what I know will work when I have to be my own accountability and also have to comply with others? I can't continue to feel this way. It's bad enough that I don't have a job at the moment, which may be part of the reason I resort to bad food.

Today is Monday, July 13, 2015. Tomorrow I will be leaving Costa Rica and returning to my life. This week, I was supposed to eat only meal bars to get on track, but that didn't work out, and I feel like a spreading blob. Wednesday will be day one for me, so I have until then to brainstorm ways to get on track with healthy eating, and working out every day. I need to apply what Autumn often says...not just hear it: "if you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!"